Marriage was created by God (Gen. 2:18-24), and therefore is governed by God. Successful marriages look to His word.
God expects your marriage to last until death (Mark 10:6-9). He intends it to be a source of joy (Eccl. 9:9) and an example of His grace (Hos. 3:1). Your spouse has a tremendous influence on your relationship with God (1 Peter 3:7) and your eternal destiny (2 Kings 11:4); thus whom you choose to marry, and the kind of spouse you prove to be, are among life’s greatest concerns (Gen. 24:3-4).
Marriages often fail because people mistake infatuation for love. Infatuation is exhilarating—you should feel some sparks!–but it doesn’t exist every moment. Sparks alone do not provide a lifelong relationship.
Love and commitment establish marriage. Love, as Jesus demonstrated it, is unselfish goodwill. Love always has the other person’s best interests in mind, even when the other person is undeserving (John 3:16). It loves the unlovely (Mark 10:45). The ideal spouse understands the love of Jesus, and is determined to display it. Read Philippians 2:5-11, 1 Corinthians 13:1-8, and Colossians 3:12-21.
Always have your spouse’s best interests in mind. When he leaves his dirty socks on the floor, talk about it, but don’t retaliate. Service spirals upward; revenge spirals downward. When you sense a lull in the infatuation, or when you hit a truly rough patch, hang on, and strive to bring it back. Marriage takes work. All marriages experience trouble. Remember love and commitment, and you will soon be head-over-heels again!
Men and women are different physically and emotionally, and have different roles and different needs. Marriages are most successful when these roles are respected and needs are met.
The top four needs of most wives tend to be affection, conversation, domestic security, and financial support. Men, that means you need to learn to build up her self-esteem with loving comments and romantic deeds and thoughtful gifts that do not necessarily lead to the bedroom. Develop an interest in topics that interest her. When she talks, put down the phone. Do your best at work; seek promotion and education. Do not be selfish with your paycheck; her contributions to the household grant her an equal claim to the family’s money. Have eyes only for her. Do not take out workplace stresses on your family. Attend your kids’ events.
The top four needs of most husbands tend to be sexual fulfillment, praise and respect, domestic support, and recreational acceptance. Women, this means that you need to learn to build up his self-esteem with appreciation for the things he does for the family. Sexual fulfillment is as important to him as conversation is to you. Make the home a shelter from the world’s stresses. While he doesn’t need you to be one of the guys, he would enjoy permission to pursue a sport or hobby, as long as it doesn’t conflict with the home.
Now, your actual needs may be different. Which is why communication is the lifeblood of any marriage—to share hopes and dreams, to air grievances. Never use communication or the absence of it to punish. Learn to give and receive criticism. Discuss dissatisfaction at the right time in a pleasant way. Fight the problem, not each other. The last stage of breakdown is not arguing, but silence, boredom, ambivalence. If you stop caring, drop everything, fix the problem, go out on dates, reinvest in your marriage.
Leadership is an important but complicated topic (Ephesians 5:25-33). If a husband takes seriously his duty to lead the family to heaven, knowing that he will give an account to God, and makes decisions that have the family’s best interests in mind, and communicates his reasons, most every godly wife in the world would feel thrilled to submit, liberated to pursue the spheres of influence where she is at her best. Most wives resent having to lead in her husband’s place.
The six biggest sources of marital stress are: kids, time/attention, sex, in-laws, money, and chores. The five destroyers of love in a marriage are rash outbursts, a lack of integrity, selfish demands, refusing to freely and fully forgive, and annoying habits.
Make God the centerpiece of your home. Be unashamedly Christian. Make worship a non-negotiable priority. Raise your children in the love and instruction of God. Make marriage a no-sarcasm zone. There is a germ of truth to every slight. “I was just kidding” doesn’t erase the accumulation of little hurts (Prov. 26:19). Set a budget. Avoid credit cards and monthly payments. Leave and cleave. Your parents give great advice, but you need to make adult decisions without their meddling.
Adultery is death. Inoculate yourself with passages that list the consequences of adultery (Prov. 5-7, 1 Thess. 4:3-7). Count your blessings. Establish sensible rules to keep temptation away. Lock out pornography. —John Guzzetta